Everybody stops on the red carpet for just a sec, the photographers all crowd in and then the little guy with the mic screams, “WHO ARE YOU WEARING!”

Ruby smiles quietly and replies, Zac Posen. Then she fades out of view. I’m not sure where she goes when she does that. Someday she’s going to have to wear a little bell, so at least we can hear her when she disappears.

Otterpop makes a face. “Alexander McQueen.” It sounds snide. She has bags under her eyes and just barfed in the limo and the giant genuine diamond earrings hurt like hell. It’s good that textured hair is in this season. You just wad it up and fasten it with a paperclip and call it vintage.

Gustavo never wears a tie. The suit might be Tom Ford. It’s hard to tell though, a black suit is a black suit. Except for the musicians. They are all wearing that 1800’s look that says, artisan dandy craftsperson who is not afraid to look like a girl. There’s the guys that wear sneakers. The guys that wear scarves. The guys that wear no tie. Gustavo is one of those. I don’t think he cares either way.

Later on, during the show, you can see everybody drinking during the cutaways. Gucci’s letting our lord and savior Robert Downey Jr. keep the tux. Not one single lady has a tummy under their gowns. Except for Otterpop. Maybe it’s spanx, maybe it’s stripper pole tabata crossfit ballet. Anyways, Otterpop has a roll. And sometimes her boob pops out the side of her dress. The stylist threw a hissy fit, then was all, OH Snap, and just threw her in the car. It’s ok. We knew she wasn’t going to win.

Gustavo slipped out before it was over off with the lovechild girl of Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgewick. She was the supermodel directing prize winners off the stage, and into the ravine. Not sure how he got backstage. Hollywood Foreign Press didn’t think it right to even nominate him this year. Supermodel daughter didn’t care though. I don’t mind. All I have to do is whistle and he always comes right back.