Ruby is live tweeting the Oscars. Live blogging is so 2012. We are over it. Blogging is for receding hairline old ladies wearing progressive lenses and muddy pants. Hashtag CreepyPeopleMommyBloggers. Also, Ruby is water proof. It is something about her fur. Impervious to the damp, no matter how wet it gets. Hashtag GlampingWhileDry. Let it rain on the red carpet, we don’t care. Hashtag TheWetLookJaredLetoHair.

To ensure public safety, homeland security will be shutting down Hollywod Boulevard from La Brea all the way down to Caheunga. Do not even try to walk there. The limos will pick you up in Santa Monica, somewhere south of Lincoln Boulevard. If you miss the limo, you will need to walk. Even if it’s raining. Get a move on, everybody. Oscar time is here and we have a long ways to go. Hashtag DampJaredLetoManBun.

It’s a hard choice between the closed toe Christian Louboutins or the powder-blue laceup combat boots, luckily everyone loves an ingenue. Hey! Somebody get those dogs off that log. Who are you wearing? Hashtag JenniferLawrenceTotallyWins.

Commercial Break. Ryan Seacrest has a smoke and Kelly Osbourne fluffs up whatever needs some fluffing. Purple Hair! Juice pulp! Everybody needs more juice pulp. Kale is the official food of the Oscars and Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires. Hashtag BeyonceIsAVegan. Hashtag EllenIsAVegan.

Is Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion nominated? Because that is what Ruby selects for the win. You wouldn’t think she would go for this kind of movie, but she totally does. Everybody going on and on about Mathew McConaughey losing all that weight and so forth Hashtag NeverWearsAShirt but Ruby has cast her vote for Lisa Kudrow. Hashtag BlondeHairBlackRoots.

Otterpop stars as Ellen Degeneres in the biopic mini series about her tumultuous relationship to Portia De Rossi, their eating disorders, puppies, and Porsche collection in their Beverly Hills compound. Otterpop tolerates the sweater vests and sensible men’s shoes better than you’d think. She didn’t see 12 Years a Slave. Nor Nebraska. None of them. Just Gravity, which was like the worst picture and she’s not voting for that one, no way. She has to wait for them to get to Netflix. Otterpop would like to host the Oscars one day, but she didn’t even make it as far as Santa Monica Boulevard. Didn’t even go to the dog show in the rain. Hashtag CanineFreestyleTakesOscarsByStorm.