Day One, Indiana.
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Banksky: Are the rumors true, Mike?

Mike Pence embraces the view that god created the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that’s in them, and would like schools to teach this as well as science, and let the children decide which is correct.

Mike Pence: Yes, Banksy.

Stay tuned for more convention coverage. Unless we get tired and go home early. So many balloons.

Day Two, a daughter and a dog.
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Otterpop was able to get in a quick interview with Ivanka Trump and her little yorkie, Tiger. Otterpop would like to remind you she once had her ass kicked by a yorkie named Tinkerbell at the USDAA Western Regional. Tinkerbell arrived ringside in a stroller and proceeded to SLAUGHTER the 8″ performance division. This was a low point in the agility career of Otterpop. She retired soon after. Moving forward.

Interview Transcript:

Otterpop: Oh hi, Ivanka. So happy you bought a membership to our club! Team Small Dog’s been waiting for you, and your jet. We heard the seats are made of pony fur!

Ivanka: (Silence. Editors note-We think she is pretty pissy that Melania from Slovenia bungled up last night’s Lady speech so bad. Looks like she had a long night. Does she call her stepmum, we wonder?)

Otterpop: So, hey, Ivanka. What amazing things do you think your dad is going to do to make America Great Again? Or safe again. Or hate again. Or whatever. Besides pass out ballcaps?

Ivanka: You know he’s a feminist, right?

Otterpop: Um, yeah. We heard you say that another time, too. Can you elaborate on this?

Ivanka: He hires a lot of women. For like, maids and stuff. He owns a lot of hotels.

Otterpop: What about when he calls them fat pigs and thinks they should be punished for having abortions?

Ivanka: My mom owns half of Mar A Lago.

Otterpop: Do you like that show Veep? With Elaine from Seinfeld? Those Code Pink protesters that looked like Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde were rad last night, don’t you think?

Ivanka: We are looking forward. Did you see Antonio Zapato Jr over there? You’ll excuse us.

Day Three, beep beep beep.
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In hindsight, bringing 16 year old Ruby along on this trip was just too much for her. She used to enjoy such things, now I think I’ll let her sleep in the hotel room for the rest of our visit to Cleveland.

Ruby can’t hear, or really see all that well. But I do think she would have enjoyed meeting up with Tiffany Trump. She’s the daughter of Marla, one of the Trump wives from the ’90’s. It’s cool to have so many kids running around up there, giving speeches about their dad.

Tiffany seems nice. Girl power.

Ruby did notice though, that it wasn’t very girl powery in general though, yesterday.

Sort of more like a witch hunt.

Ruby’s afraid of witches. And flies. Actually, Ruby thinks flies are witches. Ruby’s somewhat fond of Hilary, all girl power, cool first time event of a woman running for president. She doesn’t run away to hide outside when she sees Hilary, like she does for fly witches. But Hilary’s never been to our house, so I can’t completely verify this fact.

The Hilary witch hunt though, is sort of like the Salem ones, so we hope they don’t capture her and burn her at the stake for the Big Wednesday Night event. We’ll check the schedule before we go in tonight, just to be sure.

They were giving away free Trump hats, so I got one for all the dogs so they would blend. Most of them are black and I have to say, everything’s very white once we’re inside the stadium. I didn’t see that yellow bird until I took a photo of them at the park when we took a break. I think he’s the bird from Tiffany’s song. The one she premiered on Oprah when she was in high school? The dogs like that song pretty good. There’s a part where it goes “baby, you go beep beep beep.”

When we sing it, Banksy likes to back up. Sort of like she’s dancing along with Tiffany! Girl power!

Day Four, a big day.
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Well, how lucky is this? Banksy’s Indiana pedigree press credential, and Gustavo’s token immigrant from Mexico status who has become a legal citizen and not taxed our healthcare system or caused any terrorist acts and is also a little black dog, scored us a up close and personal visit with Donald J. GoldenTrump and Little Tiny Whitehead Pence.

Right! So exciting! Although Gustavo was a little bit scared. There were flapping flags all around, but I told him to be brave and he’d get a little piece of string cheese if he could do it. So we gave it a shot.

Here’s our interview transcript:

Gustavo: Hola, dudes!

Pence: Get that animal out of here.

Trump: Ha! This guy! He’s fantastic! Love his tie! How fantastic is he?

Pence: Oh, sorry. It’s just that the little dog there, he’s black. And the teleprompter says he’s from Mexico. So I just thought, obviously, economy draining terrorist, or worse. Economy draining terrorist cop killing danger maker!

Trump: Ha! Love THIS GUY!

Pence: First, I should tell you that I’m a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order. Next, I’m the Ethel to his Lucy, the Carrie to his Fred, the Ackroyd to his Belushi. A pro-life, anti-climate change science, pro-gun Ackroyd/Carrie/Ethel.

Trump: Ha! Love THIS GUY! He’s a kick! A real kick! Melania was just saying at dinner, he’s a kick!

Trump: This guy, we just give him all the domestic policy stuff. Then I get out there and make the deals! Amazing deals! We’ll kick China in the ass! Make those Mexicans pay for the wall! An AMAZING WALL! Love this guy!

Gustavo: (Gustavo is kind of freaked out. America is just so dark and dangerous, or maybe it was just that Trump started talking, but he went and hid under a chair. It seems fine, though, because Trump just keeps talking anyways so he doesn’t even notice Gustavo is under the chair. Until he sees me opening up a little packet of string cheese to try and lure him out)

Trump: Mike! The dog’s under the chair! This gives me a great idea! An amazing idea! How much do you think those chairs run? Twenty bucks? Thirty bucks? Thirty five tops? Here, I’m slipping you a Benjamin. See if they’ll give you fifty chairs for a hundred. Get the price down! The we sell them, here’s our healthcare plan! We sell all the chairs! Get rid of Medicaid! Offer tax cuts! Resell the chairs to the rich for GENEROUS tax cuts! And England! Sell the Brexit new chairs, they’re gonna need them when they move out of the Union! More chairs! We can make deals with all the countries! It’s amazing! Free college! But not like Bernie, free Trump College!

Pence: He reminds me of Ronald Reagan! Except with a newly minted love for the gays!

Gustavo: (I gave his some cheese and he started to feel better, so he got brave enough to approach with one more question.) Um, that guy, Tony Schwartz, who wrote your The Art of the Deal book for you, says you’rea sociopath who could totally get us into a nuclear war, because you get to keep the war button and push it if you want.

Trump: War button! Ha! You know who wants to push the war button? That Putin! Those slackers over there in the Baltic not paying their bills! You know how much those guys owe? Loads! LOADS! I am like the OPPOSITE OF THAT! That Tony guy, I made him rich! What a loser! Disloyal loser, I made that guy. The war button will be mine! I’m buying it! It’s dangerous out there! I’ll use it! Make America safe with the button!

Mike, are you with me man?

(Pence looks sort of freaked out).

Pence: With you, chief.

Trump: (Looking at Gustavo, who is back under the chair). Aren’t you from Mexico anyhow? And you don’t even feel safe? Ha! You’re probably one of those danger makers! One more child to sacrifice on the altar of open borders! Just wait til you see our wall. Its going to be AMAZING!