So I thought as part of Welcome to Marfa, we were going to watch James Dean’s “Giant” last night. It was filmed in, of course, Marfa, Texas.

But someone already checked it out from the video store. We are so ’90’s. So I thought, I should improve my skills as a dog trainer and watch these dog training DVD’s I borrowed from the Dog Club. Because that is what good dog trainers do on a Saturday night. So here you go. I watched them so you don’t have to. OK, some of them. Ok, only a few minutes of them.

The first one is called Crate Games. It stars a witch named Susan Garrett. She hypnotizes dogs into winning the Grand Prix with her wiccan powers and Canadian accent. She wears little tennis skorts and bike shorts.

That’s what she looks like in her pastel lime green turtleneck-a Rami color. I took a class from her in real life. She was unpleasant.

The video is about how to successfully lock your dog in the cage and teach it to think about going in and out. Bo-ring. It is sure to give you motivation and dogs that do not hear zombies, but I really wanted to be watching Giant tonight and dreaming of the Texas plains. My review? Maybe you would like this one if you had 3 margaritas.

So then we watched the next one.

Starring Swedish dog agility champion with a tan, Jenny Damm. She is fit and Swedish.

I watched the first few minutes thinking how much Sweden looks like Salinas California, and then freakishly, in the next scene, like a dog agility place in Hollister, California. I really couldn’t concentrate on the dog training information. Besides the fact it was super boring, how could Sweden look just like where I personally go to dog agility events?

Because it was filmed there. It’s a small world. I am sure she has much useful dog training information, but I have learned I am not a DVD of dog information watcher. Attention span of a flea. Sorry, my students of dog agility training. I am busted. This is not a winning attitude. Bad mental management! My review? Maybe you would like this one if you had 2 margaritas.

So then on tv, we watched Victoria Dominatrix Boots, Positive Reinforcement Trainer of Dogs in England. She drives a little Austin Powers car around and cures dogs of bad habits for people with tattoos. Tonight it was Chaos, the huge bull terrier.

That belonged to the nice punk rock mohawk family. Their dog humps things.

The vet said castrate him. Get him fixed, and that’s a fix.

Victoria agreed. The mohawk family was good at getting tattoos, but bad at teaching their horny dog not to hump.

She also suggested, how about some dog exercise for him? Like go for a nice run in your doc martens?

It worked super. Dog trained and balls snipped. You can watch her show on Animal Planet and if you’re bored, just have another margarita. Good thing the public tv station had a Clash rockumentary on for us old folks. I’m just going with the let’s run really fast and I’ll throw you a cookie method of dog training. Just wait til the Team Small dog DVD comes out. Lots of margaritas all around.