Dear Cesar Milan,

So last night, we got on our cruisers to ride over to the loud place where cute tattoo’ed 20 year olds serve you beer and fries for dinner and you can play pool. It’s dark in there. Bring your reading glasses if you go, Cesar. Or just ask them what beers are on tap and pretty much all you can get is fries so just get that. It’s a good dinner for a Saturday night.

So as we are riding our bikes down the driveway, the howling starts in the house. Goddamn howling. I am pretty sure it’s Otterpop that starts it, but as soon as she starts, there goes everyone. So from my driveway, I can hear house howling.

So I fling my bike down on the cement and march back in the house and holler, “GODDAMNIT DOGS. KNOCK IT OFF. I AM SERIOUS.” That usually does the trick. I use Really Mad Voice. And I stomp back outside. I sort of crouch down in the dark driveway, listening. All silent. The radio is on, it’s a funk show. Nice and loud. No howling.

Sort of meander outside for a bit, listening. Will they start it up again? Or are we safe to get our beer. It is late. We’re hungry and thirsty for beer and fries dinner. Seems like staying quiet. Off we go.

Fast forward, driving bikes home. Safety tip, use a bike light! Especially if you are drunk. What do we hear as we are pulling up to our house?

GODDAMN HOWLING. Augh! Yes, there is some funky George Clinton on the radio too but all the windows are open due to the creepy Indian Summer weather and for us and the neighbors to enjoy, is the howling. Sounding like coming from the bedroom where normal dogs would just be sleeping in the dark, enjoying the nap time. But Team Small Dog prefers to sit around and howl.

Cesar, how do I stop Team Small Dog from howling when we’re not home?

Love, Laura