Today we will call the Day I Said Black Beauty is Here to Stay. To celebrate, I decided I should take BB to the movies because there is a new movie out called Beverly Hills Chihuahua. We are highly suspect of this movie, being a Disney movie about a pampered chihuahua that learns about the school of hard knocks in down and out Mexico then makes it’s way back. Starring Drew Barrymore as chihuahua voice. Oh my god. I am sure it will make me cry, but be totally pissed off about racist and classist gender stereotypes and cliches the whole entire time. Disney, dude. They know how to stick that fork in and twist hard. Economic crisis, country gone to shit, but we can have a talking dog movie!

But this is one of the reasons I’m keeping BB. She’s a political analyst. Always good to have that point of view for film reviews. Is that a good reason to keep a dog?

So first thing. On a day off when the list of things to do is a whole page long, there is laundry EVERYWHERE, the house is a mess, the refrigerator’s broken and there’s no food in the house, is to find a tote bag to sneak Black Beauty into the movies. We don’t have no fancy dog riding totes around here. Timmy sometimes used an old duffle bag to get snuck into places, but like I could ever stick any of the regular TSD into bags. God save us from that wrath which would ensue.

I figured, it’s sort of genetic, right? Chihuahuas like tote bags and sweaters. Comes hard coded? Let’s try the fake Marc Jacobs 2004 bag from Target. A bit worn, but exact chihuahua size.

After a bit of a struggle, clear BB not riding in a tote. Ha HA is what she says. I am small and mighty. Now that you decided I am Your Dog, I am ready to start showing you this true chihuahua fact. Tote bag dog my ass. You go and stuff THAT in your tote bag. Just like when Sarah Palin starts baring those scarey little shark fangs she keeps hidden in there.

Oh man. What have I done? Scrappy little feral chihuahua is her hard coding. Remember the evil, feral thing I rescued from that pen 3 weeks ago and how I had to use welding gloves? Sorry Black Beauty. No more tote bags ever again.

Anyone else? Not even going to try Ruby or Gustavo. Just have a feeling. Save their struggles for toenail clipping, another thing on the list of stuff I should be doing today that isn’t going to Disney chihuahua movies.

Otterpop?

Oh my god. Poor Otterpop. Who the hell carries dogs around in tote bags anyways? Nevermind. She’d start howling in a dog movie at some point even though I probably could drag her in there, pathetic trooper that she is. Not dragging Otterpop into a movie theater. And she’s hella heavy.

So went solo. Can’t exactly call anyone up and see if they want to go see a movie like Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Which was fine. Because after endless previews of movies with various animated mice, lions, penguins and a 3-D John Travolta voiced super hero white dog on a sobby cross country journey, within a few minutes I realized as much as I wanted to hate this Disney formula’ed, cliche piece of dog fluff, I couldn’t. Completely genius trained dogs with subtly animated mouths that make them just act like dogs except they are talking and carrying the film. The gay pug. The landscaper’s Otterpop. The statuesque working police GSD. Mexican street dogs with hearts of gold. Every time a dog frees the other dogs from cages (lots of those kind of situations come up, remember Disney formula of danger and evil always get their due) I almost start weeping. No dog good deed goes undone.

Human actors? Whatever. Jamie Lee Curtis making some bank, a guy that looks like Sayid from Lost, a guy that looks like Gabriel Garcia Bernal. Ho hum. It’s all about the dogs. Like when the train scene happens and we think the boxcar chihuahua might roll away without the GSD, tears are just running down my face. Oh my god. I can’t take notes anymore. GSD gallops back to the boxcar and jumps in. Just think of any Disney movie, but make the dogs look like they are really talking. I am not kidding you here. The best talking dogs I have ever seen on film. I am the biggest sucker for talking dog movies. I keep f*ing weeping. Am trying to hate the film for it’s trite Julia Roberts Pretty Woman bathtub scene and bad writing and dog hats and racist stereotypes, and then the Mighty Chihuahua Army from the Aztec temple ruin saves the dogs from the mountain lions and gives a lecture on how they aren’t damn purse dogs. Right? Completely insane. Loved.

Except they don’t say damn. Think Disney here.

We know the dog isn’t dead at the end because I’ve lived through 43 years of this Disney crap. I refuse to cry again. We know that cop dogs don’t usually do dog agility in a grassy park by the cruise ship near a talking iguana. We know that the dog will find her way home, unharmed. We know the street dogs will all end up with good homes and that Cheech Marin isn’t really a rat. But I can’t fume and rant about this movie because I could not take my eyes off the dog expressions and amazing dog training that made these dogs carry the whole film.

And to think I tried to shove poor Black Beauty in a bag to drag her along with me. Instead she got to lay around in the dirt with the other dogs all afternoon, listening to Wilco. And then I decided maybe I want to quit horses and get a job training dogs to do weirdo things for the movies. Going out right now to work on Black Beauty’s sit. And someone’s weave poles. Maybe pull that skateboard back out of storage for a new skateboard trick. A team of circus dogs, anyone?