Now, my court date isn’t until November 18. But was thinking, maybe paying a nice visit to court not a bad idea. Maybe go see Judge Kim in action. Visit the bailiff again. See what court looks like when it’s not an arraignment. Take off some work for some official research. We have less than a month. Time to get cracking on my case. Takes time to learn the attorney ways. And today, the ways of the court.
Figured it’s ok for anyone to go visit, right? Snuck in before the judge arrived. And who do I see but Dog Trainer Lori there, with her service dog in the back row. She is there for a minor traffic infraction. Her very well trained dog on a down stay at her feet. She’s a pet dog trainer in town that I know, and she has been a student in beginning agility class! She’s in the back row, I slip in by her and sit behind the row of COPS. A whole row of 10 cops of all shapes and sizes and uniforms and guns, including one State Parks Ranger! Hello research day!
We are whispering about our legal matters before the judge comes. Bailiff, a scowling lady with long bangs today, glares. Dog Trainer Lori suggest I get an emergency Canine Good Citizen title on my dogs before my court date, and she is just the dog trainer to do it! Score! Thanks Dog Trainer Lori! Bailiff glares. Shit. But as I will see in court, evidence helps and the more papers that I have showing what Good Dogs I have, can’t hurt. I think. Somewhere I have evidence of USDAA and CPE titles and Official Pet Assisted Therapy Dog, but actually, as a person who does not keep ribbons or junky junk like that, I may have put these in the recycling bin. Sorry USDAA and CPE. I confess. Did not frame and put on the wall by their giant oil painted portrait murals. I may pay the price in court.
So anyways. The Judge is a little more Judge Judy here than she was on arraignment day. She announces the rules of court, and reminds us that she is Not Inviting a Dialog. You just talk when it’s your turn. Another important thing to take note of, we will learn.
Everyone gets sworn in by the scowling woman next to the judge. She’s the one who gives you a paper about your fine. She has on a wrinkled summer blouse. No official court outfit for her. Judge has a robe, Bailiff a cop outfit, wrinkled blouse for her. I get sworn in too. I was the only one that didn’t stand up when she told us all rise to get sworn in and I got a scowl, so up I go and stand and raise my right hand and swear to tell the truth. I’m just the reporter today. You guys, I ALWAYS tell the truth. Usually. Definitely when sworn in. Was pretty undramatic and involves no bibles. That must have gone out of style during civil rights.
So after some business with cops not showing up and defendants not showing up, it’s Dog Trainer Lori’s turn. To protect her identity and privacy, let’s say her minor infraction was just something we have all done in the car. Mi-Nor. But she was the one that got popped and here she is and she has a table full of evidence that maybe doesn’t make her not guilty, but does make her look like a good citizen. Big Time. Talks about a canine emergency she was handling at time of her infraction. Her pro bono work with County Animal Services. The judge’s interest is piqued. She has spread a load of evidence over the table and speaks clearly and concisely and by the end, judge has said, OK, you may be guilty but no fine for you. It is suspended. Suspended being a good thing here. Not like that time in high school. And off she goes. I’ll talk to you soon, Dog Trainer Lori!
Next case involves a hitchhiker who might be a Crazy Guy vs. Cop. Hitchhiker has random photos of stuff he keeps labeling Exhibit A, B, C and so on. Cop is confused. Bailiff confused, and snorts her disapproval. She is snorty. Judge confused. Crazy Guy is confused. Long story short, Crazy Guy vs. Cop, guess who wins? Good luck next time, Crazy Guy.
Next case, Well Groomed Guy in tie vs. Cop. An unsafe lane change. Well Groomed Guy’s word vs. Cop’s. Guess who wins? Better luck next time, but nice job with your hygiene!
Next case, guy in tie and Dockers vs. Cop. Speeding case, near the University. NOTORIOUS spot for radar cops. But this guy has driven all the way down from Roseville for court, was in our fair city for his daughter’s soccer tournament and this cop has dragged his name through the mud by ticketing him and boy is he MAD. Thinks the cop is lying. So far, we have learned that Judge Kim tends to side with Cops. Now we are learning she does not like mad people and by God, she HAS JUST TURNED INTO JUDGE JUDY! Am freaking out here. Note to self. Do not get mad and DO NOT INTERRUPT JUDGE KIM! He lost right then and there. Better luck next time, and be sure to visit the Boardwalk and toss some tax revenue into our city coffers on your way out, our friend in Dockers.
Next case, Older Lady in a Navy Blue Cardigan vs. Cop. She stands up there, hands nervously twitching behind her back. Her cardigan from Lands End or other such mail order place. She is scared. She got a rolling stop sign ticket right by her house, where she has lived for 32 years, by this super tall young whippersnapper motorcycle cop. She is almost crying because she is a safe driver and he said she wasn’t. She would never do anything unsafe right there, on her street. She says the 32 years thing a couple times. Judge Kim gets mad again. She DOES NOT LIKE PEOPLE REPEATING themselves, note to self. Uh, so sorry, lady in your sensible cardigan. Better luck next time. Don’t forget to sit in the blue chair to wait for your bill which you can pay on your way out.
Finally, the case I’ve been waiting for. The last officer left in the row of cops is the State Parks Ranger. His talking to god machine strapped to him, row of guns and cuffs and junk strapped across his manly belt. Same belt bailiff is wearing. She is manly too, in her too long bangs and scowly face way. He goes up there with a young guy. Guy is surfer kid. It’s a long story. Judge looks like she has a teenager at home and has heard this story one too many times. Lot of holes in his long tale involving the skateboard and the permit and the fight and the market across the tracks and what was in the glove box. Ranger really doesn’t need to say much, as the young dude sort of just talking his way further and further into a deep hole. A deep hole of losing.
One of the last things she admonishes young dude with is the warning, “Think before you use a State Beach. They have specific rules. Don’t waste State resources at a time when they are scarce.”
Gulp. But they’re the ones driving around out there in their State resources giving us damn tickets for walking dogs. Oh boy.
So in my court day, how many citizens pleaded their cases successfully? How about ZERO! Zero became not guilty. A couple had fines suspended or reduced. The rest, so sorry, please come again. Lots of snorting and eye rolling from the bailiff. Bored sorting and filing from wrinkled blouse. Judge Kim, she’s heard it all before. Like a million times. Not a whole lot is going to sway her to not side with our nation’s finest, in their clean, pressed uniforms, badges, buckles and belts. Polished high boots and clearly written reports. These are her GUYS. She loves you guys. You keep the justice, make us citizens play by her rules. And then bring the troublemakers in here to get shamed.
Court sounds fun? Oh man. Can’t wait.