Terrific news! AKC allows mixed breed dogs to compete in AKC agility.

So you’ve probably heard. The AKC made this announcement this week about how mixed breed dogs can now compete in AKC agility.

There’s a little THING, though. The mixed breed dogs, don’t get to actually compete AGAINST the purebred dogs. They pay the same money, but can only compete against other dogs of mixed race. Probably in the same arena, and I believe can use the same water bowls. But not sure on that. When possible, there would be a separate but equal arena for the mixed breeds, if by equal you mean it’s actually out in the parking lot. I think that the mixed breed dogs have to take a promise pledge not to breathe or slobber on purebred dogs and always use a different warm up jump, the one located out behind the dumpsters.

Also, they’re not allowed to use the a-frame and when it’s time for the mixed breeds to run, they just drag a bale of hay into the arena and throw a sheet of plywood down on it.

The mixed breeds won’t have the same kind of titles. Mixed breed titles, all have an extra letter in them that you have to wear on your sweater, pinned on with safety pins. So you would earn a MACH-M, and you wear this big scarlet M on your shirt. If you take the scarlet M off, they send the country club police out to your house in golf carts and they drive around your block playing REO Speedwagon songs from a loud speaker and tell all your neighbors that your dog is of unknown ancestry and pass out coupons for Portuguese Water dogs.

Also, you can’t go to things like the Nationals or Invitationals. At all the big dog agility parties, the mixed breeds have to work behind the bar and wear maid uniforms and park the cars.

So, maybe you’re wondering, Team Small Dog? Going to start competing in the AKC?

Oh you still there? You still wondering?

You just want me to say it. You naughty little kittens.