Was having sort of a shitty day. Couldn’t get out of the house in the morning. Kept having weird epiphanies of loserdom. Nothing getting done right. We tried to do some agility and we were all just off. Gustavo spooky and unfocused. Otterpop sort of blah. Ruby couldn’t even run and there was no jumping on her horizon. Long day at work, couldn’t even bear the long drive home from the ranch. Got home super late. Just a day that could have been erased, overall. The black cloud not only following around over my head but just dripping real slow, all day.
How do you go back and vanish a whole day? If you can get rid of the day, then how far back you go? Keep unraveling the thread until you’re left with a shreddy little pile of nothing? Can you pick out some remnants of ok or it’s an all or nothing proposition?
And then, got home, saw the news in the internet, our Grasshopper, David Carradine, found dead and hanging in a Thai hotel. Naked in a closet, dangling from a rope, and that was his end. Vanished, just like that.
Oh man, I had managed to avoid the details of exactly how he died. That same "black cloud [has] not only [been] following around over my head but just dripping real slow, all day." For me, not just "weird epiphanies of loserdom" but the conviction that I am "good enough, smart enough, [but] doggone it, people [don't] like me!"
Here is link to two Ellen Bass poems that are appropriate: (be sure to click on "Gate 22" after you become even more depressed by "If You Knew")
http://www.ellenbass.com/if_you_knew.php
Crap happens. It is what it is. Unraveling doesn't really work as it involves illegal drugs, that I won't deny assist in the unraveling process, but the problem is that you start to knit again thinking you've unraveled enough, and then the vision is over and you realize you've knitted a cod piece out of barbed wire when,in the inspiration of the moment you thought were knitting a casmere evening gown.
"a cod piece out of barbed wire when,in the inspiration of the moment you thought were knitting a casmere evening gown?"
Now I'm laughing. Thanks Vici.
P.S. When you become middle-aged they start passing out LEGAL drugs and your health plan [sic] pays for them!
P.P.S. Warning: the legal drugs are to be avoided more than the illegal ones. Laughter still best medicine.
But I don't even know how to knit! I have to "crochet" it (Lexi would do that with her fingersby her ears if she looked at the one item I ever "crocheted") and it doesn't even come out a cod piece to unravel